Stupid blinking cursor...

...I've been staring at it for far too long

It's just been so long, I haven't really blogged in a year and I just don't know where to start.

I'm just so...overwhelmed? not sure...

This year has been... Interesting. I feel like not much happened and a lot happened at the same time.  I guess it's been a good year but it's also been a hard year, a sad year. I suppose I'll talk about this whole "trying to be a mommy" thing since that's pretty much what's on my mind at all times.  Since this post I have had every test and procedure that would determine if something is causing me to have all these miscarriages, found out nothing is wrong with me, which would normally be a good thing, but in this case it's like ...? , spent the next four cycles (which for me is more like 8 months) devastated with every stuipd little negative sign and period that came my way, readjusted my outlook and made a decision to not stress about it, got pregnant, and had my second miscarriage of the year (fourth total) just before Christmas (which was lame to say the least).

I just feel so broken, in more ways than one. Why is it that my body can have "nothing" wrong with it but can't seem to do the one thing it's meant to do? The thing that other people can do so easily? That they can do without trying (or sometimes even when they're trying not to)? I see so many friends pursuing their passions and accomplishing their goals and as pathetic as many people are going to think this is, being a mother is honestly the only thing I've ever truly wanted to do with my life.  I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and it's so disheartening that there is really nothing I can do (other than the obvious) to achieve my goals and the life I know I'm meant to have.  I can't prioritize more or work harder like if my passions were starting my own business , traveling, or advancing in my field.  

I can hope. and pray. and wait.

The only thing remotely proactive I can do is try to keep my body in the best baby-incubating state as possible, but that obviously isn't enough to see this dream of mine come to fruition, and oh do dream of it! My head is constantly filled with dreams of the life I hope to have, dreams of the life I'm afraid I'll end up having, dreams of what might be, could be, and may never be.  And theres no rest at night either.  On more than one occasion I've awoken my poor, unfailingly supportive (and very sleepy) husband with my inconsolable tears (but man does he try!).

The only thing making me possibly see any light at the end of this tunnel right now is that my new OB recommended that I start taking progesterone once I find out I'm pregnant next because sometimes a lack of it can be the problem.  So at least there is something I can try this time around.

so fingers crossed, prayers, good vibes...

any and all of that would be most appreciated :)

An unplanned hiatus

So I guess I've been on a blog break for the last month+

actually I've hardly gone online at all, twitter, instagram even pinterest!

It wasn't planned or anything, I was pregnant and using the computer or my phone made me totally nauseous

and yes I did say was pregnant...as in, I'm no longer pregnant

I'm not going to get too much into it since a wrote a big long post about the quick end to my last pregnancy back in the summer and it feels very similar

I will say that this time is a bit better because my husband is here and at least now I'll get to see a specialist to find out what is going wrong

I am a little worried that whatever is causing this isn't something that can be fixed but hopefully we'll get to the bottom of it and I'll be able to start popping out baby Kringles soon

Happenings lately

Hubs left for training, luckily it's here so in a couple weeks I should get to see him on the weekends

But before that he got a tattoo

We finally got our playstation hooked up to the network and set up our netfilx ...so basically that's all I do now

You all remember when I wrote about the socal blogger meetup right? well there's gonna be another one on Feb 4 and I can't wait!

Our upstairs neighbors' bathtub overflowed and poured through our bathroom ceiling light and flooded it...twice

speaking of which, they must either play basketball and move furniture up there everyday or they have pet elephant ..there's really no other explanation for the noise that comes from up there

and if you could all help my friend get some free wedding photography by "liking" this picture I (and her...obviously) will love you forever! 

Life lately according to my iPhone

 

Just jumping in real quick

to say I'm still alive

and I'll be back soon

and the giveaway is still coming

*pinky swear*

real life isn't always happy

I generally keep it pretty upbeat on this little blog o' mine

it's not that my life is perfect...or that I try to pretend it is,

I'm just generally a happy person.  I try to look at the bright side of things instead of dragging myself down in negative things, especially because I know, most of the time, it could be much worse.  Also, when things are bad I really don't like to think about it so I'd rather not write it out and have to rehash my feelings.

I wasn't planning on telling you all about this, but honestly I can't think about much else and I'm hoping that if I put it out there I will feel a little better and can get back to thinking (and blogging) about that happy things in my life (like how I'm eating some delicious soup at panera right now...see? a little better already)

please note that this post will be a hot mess of word vomit as I have no intention of reading through it ever again, not even to edit it

so the reason I haven't been blogging is because for the last few weeks I've had one thing consuming my mind and I was just wait for some good news to share with you.  Well, on monday I got some news...just not good

this post should be me excitedly telling you all that I am 8 weeks pregnant.  I was 8 weeks pregnant. now I have an 8 week along fetus with no heartbeat inside of me.

(wow...this is a bit harder than I thought it would be)

also, this isn't the first time this has happened

now I know that these things happen, that 25% of documented pregnancies are abnormal and end in a miscarriage.  I know that we are young and still have lots of time. I know that we haven't even been trying that long. and I know everything happens for a reason

but I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like what I want most in the world is never going to happen. I feel cheated. I feel like it's not fair that so many people I know who don't want to (and usually should not) get pregnant do. and then I feel awful for resenting them because I truly am happy for them and hope they end up being wonderful mothers and fathers

to have something so precious and then to have it taken away...sometimes it's too much to bear.  Honestly all i want to do is sleep and go home. I really am all alone here and I've never really felt it until now. yes, I have brian, but he has responsibilities he can't just not go to class cause I need someone besides lulu to keep me company.  I didn't even get to see him all yesterday cause he had duty after class and i found out monday morning and didn't get to tell or see him till the evening...it was awful

and to top it all off they couldn't schedule me for a d&c till monday so we can't come home tuesday like we planned

well...I don't really feel better, but I do feel a little release and I know better and happy will come

*disclaimer* I'm obviously highly emotional and still very hormonal so I sincerely hope I didn't offend or upset anybody.  I can't help the way I feel even when I know what I feel is wrong. so if I did upset you, I truly am sorry, that wasn't my intent

some decor

so since i packed up and moved only the necessities that would fit in my car that didn't leave room for many pretties but I did manage to cram a few in

so I thought I'd show you the little bit of decor...aka the only thing that brings me happiness...in our apartment

life would be so sad without these bits n' pieces above the mantel

im baaaaackkk!!! (aka the most random post ever!)

well i still don't have internet (and it's not looking like i'll get any until october...stupid 1 year contracts) and i'm still feeling a little blah about blogging, in fact i'm feeling a little blah about online-social-anything-in-general lol 

seriously though, brooke tweeted that she missed me and michelle commented on my facebook yesterday asking if i was alive cause i hadn't been on either much in a few days

i'm not sure what my deal is cause i've been in a fantastic mood and have been having so much fun i just haven't felt like documenting it i guess which is highly unusual for me haha!

but anyway to get out of this funk i'm just going to (drink lots of starbucks and) push myself to blog through it!

speaking of starbucks the lady didn't hear me say "vanilla" when i said "iced grande vanilla soy latte" and after drinking half of it before realizing why it wasn't sweet at all and went back up and was just gonna ask for a bit of vanilla syrup and instead she made me a venti on the house...win!

in other news the style posts are back cause we finally started going to chapel service on sundays

it only took us so long to start going cause i was waiting on hubs to figure out when/where to go and finally on saturday i just googled "fort sam houston chapel services" and bam! a whole list of services popped up

lesson learned: don't ask hubs to find things out...i'm still waiting on him to find out if i can go to the new gym and where it is/ what times it's open :/

anywhooo...this is what i wore to church on sunday:

i'm totally in love with this outfit and this skirt and belt are my two favorite new thrifting finds!

next week i'll show you how i made this belt out of two different thrifted belts :)

i know i know...you're on the edge of your seat in anticipation! 

and to end the most random post of all time i recommend netflix-ing/redbox-ing these movies:

country strong

no strings attached

beastly

red riding hood

the lincoln lawyer

rango

why? you ask...cause thats exactly what i did these past few weeks...and it was awesome

anyway i'm gonna leave you with that before this post gets even more ridiculous 

oh wait! r.i.p. peanut :(

ok...this post really cant get any stranger, if you're still reading this you must really love me/ are really bored...but i'm going to assume the former, it makes me feel better about life ha!

blah...

so i've been kind of blah about blogging lately

not sure what it is.  maybe the lack of internet or that i haven't been able to read all of your blogs and get inspired, or maybe i've just been busy...

funny thing is i actually have stuff i want to write about, just when it comes to it i never feel like actually writing it

hoping to kick this funk soon, until then...

♥

my saturday

so this past saturday was the first full day i got to spend with hubs ♥

it was amazing of course

we started off the day at starbucks so we could use the internet

(why do i have a feeling we'll never get internet setup so we can use it as an excuse to get starbs?? ...jk we're just waiting till payday...i hope lol!)

then we met up with some of hubby's friends at the mall

i couldn't find hub's sun glasses when i was packing (and he wanted some better ones anyway) and when we went into sunglass hut (just to look...you know how that goes) the sales lady informed him that they normally don't have a military discount but were currently having a 20% discount for mall employees that they would give to military too (that uniform sure does come in handy!) 

so anyway he obviously couldn't pass that up lol! but that's ok cause he got me these babies!

i was super tired for some reason and hubs and i took a little nap (or so i thought) and i woke up to find hubs cleaning! i tried to get him to stop and told him i'd do it later when he was in class but he wouldn't stop! he kept saying "it's supposed to be clean" and "this is what i do" lol! i'm surprised he didn't tell me we had gear adrift and were going to get a hit

anywho gotta love that navy training :)

then i made our favorite dinner: linguine with clam sauce :)

and because 1. we don't have a table or chairs and 2. i thought it would be fun, we had an indoor picnic 

it was basically an awesome day only thing that would've been better would be to not have to take hubs back to the barracks at night

ahh...soon :)

still no internet

so ya...i've been slackin on getting internet setup so i've been spending quite i bit of money at starbucks

we did however purchase a mattress for me yesterday which should be delivered tomorrow so no more sleeping on a camping pad! yay!

and i'm hoping to pick up a couch off craigslist today so i'll finally have a place to sit besides the floor! lol!

well i have a million blogs to catch up on but i swear i will soon!

also, i swear i'll have a real blog post soon too!

and did you check out my guest post over at life's little indulgences??

if not, you should!

kthanksbye

it's june!

i have so many exciting things planned for june!

first off i'll finally get to see my hubby!

then i'm moving to texas so i can see him all the time!

and finally we're celebrating our first anniversary this month!!! gahh! i can't believe we've been married a whole year almost!

i have some exciting things coming on the blog this month too

i'll be taking you on all of these adventures as well as having some guest bloggers for the first time (though i haven't actually asked them yet so we'll see how that works out lol!)

i also have a ton of photography work that i need to edit and put on the photo blog so thay'll be coming too

so stay tuned!

who knew?

who knew packing up your entire home would be so much work!

and so time consuming!

i mean, i have almost three weeks and i don't see how i'll ever get it done

i swear i'll be back soon!

so i'm moving to texas?

so even though it's going to be a pain in the patootie

and even though we decided against it

i'm moving to texas for the 4 months that hubs is in a school

you see... hubby changed his mind and decided he wanted to see me every weekend

so it's either a $400 plane ticket every week or move

oh! and why the question mark?

did i mention i have a month to figure this out and move all by myself

so we'll see if i can really handle it

in other news lulu tried to climb up the wall today...i don't think she realizes she's a pug

i swear i have more exciting things to come

i know i haven't been writing much, but i've just been too sad to think about anything except how much i miss the hubs

but my family is back in town and my nephews are coming tomorrow so i'm feeling a lot better

oh! and i got hubby's address today so i can finally send off those letters i've been writing and feel like i'm actually communicating with him, instead of just writing letters that just sit on the table (seriously though, you have no idea how excited i got when the phone ran and i saw it said petty officer st. louis...it was like christmas)

oh! and this came out on dvd today so that was uber exciting

...and thank you so much for everyone who left kind words and words of encouragement on this post...they made me feel much better

so anyway i'll have more exciting things to post about soon and i have tons of updates since i didnt blog for like a month

but first can we please take a look at how cute these are:

i mean really? i can't take it

i'm tempted to buy the white one right now

just stopping in...

to let you know that im sorry i havent been around...and i might not be around for a little while

you see, hubbers is leaving for bootcamp in about two weeks, and we both took this time off from work, so ive been busy hanging out with my hubby and havent even touched the computer

(im serious! ...though i did use the internet on my phone ha!)

i'm really sad to be missing out on all of your lovely blogs but spending time with my husband comes first

i do have so much to tell you guys about so expect tons of posts when i get back

and if anyone wants to guest post and i, and im sure my readers, will greatly appreciate it :)

so if you'd like to guest post at amanda's daily obsessions, email me at amandasdailyobsessions@yahoo.com

the emails get sent to my phone so i swear i'll check it

oh! and the last couple of days have been gloriously sunny and included all three of these

sorry for the lack of posts

but ever since we got back from our trip either myself or my husband has been sick

this is what our days look like:

i do have a ton to post about so that will be coming shortly

i know ive been slacking at blogging lately

...cause ive basically been slacking at life lately

well...ive been really behind at life so most aspects of it are slacking

like dishes

and laundry

and blogging

and sometimes bothering to bath and make myself presentable, nbd

...did i mention dishes and laundry? i literally do not have a clean dish and a mountain of clothes to wash

so anyway thats where ive been, but im starting to catch up (except for the dishes and laundry, but lets be honest, those are my two least favorite things to do) so you can expect more posts to come

oh btw the picture has nothing to do with this post except for my neurosis about having a post without a picture and the fact that i could really use a vacation right about now

oh and apperantly its supposed to snow in sacramento tonight...well see

some updates

well the biggest update is that my lovely husband has joined the navy

well...we joined the navy i guess

he is going to be a hospital corpsman and he leaves in the spring

im both excited and nervous about this new stage of our lives and i cant wait to see what the future will bring!

we both got a "property of us navy" shirt (which i find totally hysterical btw),

but im thinking i should get some of these:

but...lets be honest, these are much more my style:

ha!

another update is that my photography website and blog are in the works!

hopefully ill have some time to finish them up soon!

also! i still havent finished all my posts on the wedding and i still have the honeymoon to post about!

and i did do my november 10 (well..not all of them) but for some reason all of the pictures were taken on someone elses camera

so im off to harass some people for pictures :)

Finally...

well it's been OVER three months and i'm FINALLY posting some wedding pictures!!!!!

here is just a grouping of my favorite ones, i'll have more specific wedding details to come

it was a lot of work, super stressful, and so much fun!

...pretty much the best day of my life :)

these are my lovely Alpha Chi sisters, they're pretty much the awesomest

and this guy...he aint so shabby :)

the wedding party and...

my ABSOLUTE favorite

photos by Tiffany Green Photography