Wednesday, September 14, 2011

real life isn't always happy

I generally keep it pretty upbeat on this little blog o' mine

it's not that my life is perfect...or that I try to pretend it is,

I'm just generally a happy person.  I try to look at the bright side of things instead of dragging myself down in negative things, especially because I know, most of the time, it could be much worse.  Also, when things are bad I really don't like to think about it so I'd rather not write it out and have to rehash my feelings.

I wasn't planning on telling you all about this, but honestly I can't think about much else and I'm hoping that if I put it out there I will feel a little better and can get back to thinking (and blogging) about that happy things in my life (like how I'm eating some delicious soup at panera right now...see? a little better already)

please note that this post will be a hot mess of word vomit as I have no intention of reading through it ever again, not even to edit it

so the reason I haven't been blogging is because for the last few weeks I've had one thing consuming my mind and I was just wait for some good news to share with you.  Well, on monday I got some news...just not good

this post should be me excitedly telling you all that I am 8 weeks pregnant.  I was 8 weeks pregnant. now I have an 8 week along fetus with no heartbeat inside of me.

(wow...this is a bit harder than I thought it would be)

also, this isn't the first time this has happened

now I know that these things happen, that 25% of documented pregnancies are abnormal and end in a miscarriage.  I know that we are young and still have lots of time. I know that we haven't even been trying that long. and I know everything happens for a reason

but I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like what I want most in the world is never going to happen. I feel cheated. I feel like it's not fair that so many people I know who don't want to (and usually should not) get pregnant do. and then I feel awful for resenting them because I truly am happy for them and hope they end up being wonderful mothers and fathers

to have something so precious and then to have it taken away...sometimes it's too much to bear.  Honestly all i want to do is sleep and go home. I really am all alone here and I've never really felt it until now. yes, I have brian, but he has responsibilities he can't just not go to class cause I need someone besides lulu to keep me company.  I didn't even get to see him all yesterday cause he had duty after class and i found out monday morning and didn't get to tell or see him till the was awful

and to top it all off they couldn't schedule me for a d&c till monday so we can't come home tuesday like we planned

well...I don't really feel better, but I do feel a little release and I know better and happy will come

*disclaimer* I'm obviously highly emotional and still very hormonal so I sincerely hope I didn't offend or upset anybody.  I can't help the way I feel even when I know what I feel is wrong. so if I did upset you, I truly am sorry, that wasn't my intent


Joelle said...

I am so, so, so sorry that you've had to go through this sweetheart. Nobody deserves the tragedy that a miscarriage brings, and it definitely doesn't make it better when someone tells you that this happens often. If anything, that only makes it worse.

I don't know what you're going through personally, but I've seen my mom go through it. I hope to never see her, or anybody I love go through that again. And I wish the same for you. Because you and your husband deserve only happiness and joy and love in this life, and I sincerely pray that you get exactly that.

I know that you are far away, and that you don't know me very well, but I truly only comment on blogs for people that I care about and who's writing has touched me in some way. So I hope that means something.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to go through this almost completely on your own. But know that you have so many people in the world who are thinking about you at any given moment. Maybe that will make you feel not so alone sometimes.

Much love (and lots of prayers),

Michelle said...

I feel the same frustrations. Sam and I have been trying to get pregnant since March and all unsuccessful. I feel like something is wrong with me. And this damn deployment really isn't helping.

I get angry, yes, angry, when I hear of unplanned pregnancies. Unplanned pregnancies, though just as beautiful as a planned one, is a big slap in the face. Like, you weren't even trying, and there you go, spermated....

And I think the main reason I need to get a new job is because of the amount of un-worthy (I know, harsh) parents I see roaming the store with multiple children who are dirty, unclothed, and mismanaged.

I know you feel alone, but I am only a text, a call, or a blog post away.

I feel like most women our age just don't get the want and desire to have children at our age so I feel alone as well.

I am so sorry you and Brian are dealing with this, you both are in my thoughts and prayers.


Brooke said...

Amandaaaa.. I love you!! I am so sorry about what has been going on lately. I'm glad you decided to share this with us. I hope someone who has gone through the same thing before reads this so you two can talk!

I am ALWAYS here for you and I wish so badly that I lived in the same area as you so we could hang out a lot and go shopping, out to eat, you could babysit, and we could be besties in real life too.

Don't give up hope. I know that doesn't help much, but I truly believe that one day you will get a surprise and have a healthy little one. I'm always here for you!

Goodness I wish I could give you a hug! <3<3<3<3

Grammie said...

Oh baby, I sooo wish I could be there with you so you aren't alone. I can't wait till you get home so that I can just give you a big ole mama hug. I'm so sad right now having to read your thoughts and feeling instead of being there to feel them with you. I love you so much. I'm not going to tell you all those things that people tell you to try to make it ok, because it's not, at least not right now. You know I tried 4 years to get you, I remember so well having the same resentment towards people who got pregnant so easily yet I couldn't even conceive no matter how hard we tried. Then one day when I felt like I was at my wits end, God decided to bless us with you and that was the one of the happiest days of my life. I'm so proud of you and love that you look at the glass as half full, it's in your genes, but unfortunatly we have those half empty times of life, and we just have to live through it. Just know that I love you more than life itself, I miss you and can't wait to see you. And you know what, this is so weird the word verification that I have to type to post this comment has my name in it debrai, isn't that weird.

LBR said...

Hey Amanda,

I have been blog hopping today and stumbled upon yours. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even imagine. During my pregnancy I had a scare at 18 weeks that shook me to the core (I blogged about it here: Writing about it was like therapy and I know you will touch many through your words as well. Thank you so much for sharing, you are certainly not alone.

Melissa Nelson said...

I am so, so unbelievably sorry. I am really not good with these things but my heart goes out to you. I couldn't even imagine. I can see why you would feel cheated and why you would feel upset that many other people get pregnant who may not deserve to be parents. My heart breaks for you. I like to think that things happen for a reason. Things will work out the way they're meant to. Maybe you aren't meant to have a child right now, but I'm sure you will in the future. I know it's easier said than done to look on the bright side, but in times like these I think it's imperative.

My heart goes out to you. <3

I am so, so, so sorry, sweetie. :( SO sorry.

Mrs.B said...

I'm so,so,so sorry for your loss.
Last year I went in for my 10 week appointment and found out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and measured about 8 weeks.
I know how hard it is.
It's taken about a year to actually be able to talk about it without bursting into tears.

I'll definitely be thinking of you guys.

Courtney said...

amanda, i am so sorry to hear this. just wanted to say i'll be thinking of you and hoping for good news when the time comes. litb

Fran said...

Amanda! I'm so so sorry you're going through this.
I can't say I personally know what you're going through but lovely ladies close to my heart have and I've seen the heartbreak first hand.

I wish I had anything I could said that could make any of this better. You seem like a wonderful person and I know the day will come when you'll receive amazing news. Also, I wish I could be close to you so we could hang out and be awesome together.

*hugs x 1000*


Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad.. You are not selfish you are human. you lost a part of you and that's difficult for anyone to deal with. My wife has miscarried a total of 6 times and it's become too difficult for us to deal with so we have decided to adopt. We will be finally picking up our baby boy in 2 weeks. Don't lose hope this is only the beginning for u and it will come with time.

The Vintage Modern Bride said...

i'm a new follower and i have to say, i appreciate your honesty. something like that is definitely not easy at all, but sometimes just venting your hurt and frustrations out helps even if it's just a little. i'm so sorry about your miscarriage and i hope one day you'll get to have the child you've always wanted.

Mariel Torres said...

i'm so sorry darling, i'm new here but my heart still goes out to you as if you were my own sister. things will be all right soon. i promise.