I generally keep it pretty upbeat on this little blog o' mine
it's not that my life is perfect...or that I try to pretend it is,
I'm just generally a happy person. I try to look at the bright side of things instead of dragging myself down in negative things, especially because I know, most of the time, it could be much worse. Also, when things are bad I really don't like to think about it so I'd rather not write it out and have to rehash my feelings.
I wasn't planning on telling you all about this, but honestly I can't think about much else and I'm hoping that if I put it out there I will feel a little better and can get back to thinking (and blogging) about that happy things in my life (like how I'm eating some delicious soup at panera right now...see? a little better already)
please note that this post will be a hot mess of word vomit as I have no intention of reading through it ever again, not even to edit it
so the reason I haven't been blogging is because for the last few weeks I've had one thing consuming my mind and I was just wait for some good news to share with you. Well, on monday I got some news...just not good
this post should be me excitedly telling you all that I am 8 weeks pregnant. I was 8 weeks pregnant. now I have an 8 week along fetus with no heartbeat inside of me.
(wow...this is a bit harder than I thought it would be)
also, this isn't the first time this has happened
now I know that these things happen, that 25% of documented pregnancies are abnormal and end in a miscarriage. I know that we are young and still have lots of time. I know that we haven't even been trying that long. and I know everything happens for a reason
but I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like what I want most in the world is never going to happen. I feel cheated. I feel like it's not fair that so many people I know who don't want to (and usually should not) get pregnant do. and then I feel awful for resenting them because I truly am happy for them and hope they end up being wonderful mothers and fathers
to have something so precious and then to have it taken away...sometimes it's too much to bear. Honestly all i want to do is sleep and go home. I really am all alone here and I've never really felt it until now. yes, I have brian, but he has responsibilities he can't just not go to class cause I need someone besides lulu to keep me company. I didn't even get to see him all yesterday cause he had duty after class and i found out monday morning and didn't get to tell or see him till the evening...it was awful
and to top it all off they couldn't schedule me for a d&c till monday so we can't come home tuesday like we planned
well...I don't really feel better, but I do feel a little release and I know better and happy will come
*disclaimer* I'm obviously highly emotional and still very hormonal so I sincerely hope I didn't offend or upset anybody. I can't help the way I feel even when I know what I feel is wrong. so if I did upset you, I truly am sorry, that wasn't my intent