Stupid blinking cursor...

...I've been staring at it for far too long

It's just been so long, I haven't really blogged in a year and I just don't know where to start.

I'm just so...overwhelmed? not sure...

This year has been... Interesting. I feel like not much happened and a lot happened at the same time.  I guess it's been a good year but it's also been a hard year, a sad year. I suppose I'll talk about this whole "trying to be a mommy" thing since that's pretty much what's on my mind at all times.  Since this post I have had every test and procedure that would determine if something is causing me to have all these miscarriages, found out nothing is wrong with me, which would normally be a good thing, but in this case it's like ...? , spent the next four cycles (which for me is more like 8 months) devastated with every stuipd little negative sign and period that came my way, readjusted my outlook and made a decision to not stress about it, got pregnant, and had my second miscarriage of the year (fourth total) just before Christmas (which was lame to say the least).

I just feel so broken, in more ways than one. Why is it that my body can have "nothing" wrong with it but can't seem to do the one thing it's meant to do? The thing that other people can do so easily? That they can do without trying (or sometimes even when they're trying not to)? I see so many friends pursuing their passions and accomplishing their goals and as pathetic as many people are going to think this is, being a mother is honestly the only thing I've ever truly wanted to do with my life.  I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and it's so disheartening that there is really nothing I can do (other than the obvious) to achieve my goals and the life I know I'm meant to have.  I can't prioritize more or work harder like if my passions were starting my own business , traveling, or advancing in my field.  

I can hope. and pray. and wait.

The only thing remotely proactive I can do is try to keep my body in the best baby-incubating state as possible, but that obviously isn't enough to see this dream of mine come to fruition, and oh do dream of it! My head is constantly filled with dreams of the life I hope to have, dreams of the life I'm afraid I'll end up having, dreams of what might be, could be, and may never be.  And theres no rest at night either.  On more than one occasion I've awoken my poor, unfailingly supportive (and very sleepy) husband with my inconsolable tears (but man does he try!).

The only thing making me possibly see any light at the end of this tunnel right now is that my new OB recommended that I start taking progesterone once I find out I'm pregnant next because sometimes a lack of it can be the problem.  So at least there is something I can try this time around.

so fingers crossed, prayers, good vibes...

any and all of that would be most appreciated :)

An unplanned hiatus

So I guess I've been on a blog break for the last month+

actually I've hardly gone online at all, twitter, instagram even pinterest!

It wasn't planned or anything, I was pregnant and using the computer or my phone made me totally nauseous

and yes I did say was pregnant...as in, I'm no longer pregnant

I'm not going to get too much into it since a wrote a big long post about the quick end to my last pregnancy back in the summer and it feels very similar

I will say that this time is a bit better because my husband is here and at least now I'll get to see a specialist to find out what is going wrong

I am a little worried that whatever is causing this isn't something that can be fixed but hopefully we'll get to the bottom of it and I'll be able to start popping out baby Kringles soon

real life isn't always happy

I generally keep it pretty upbeat on this little blog o' mine

it's not that my life is perfect...or that I try to pretend it is,

I'm just generally a happy person.  I try to look at the bright side of things instead of dragging myself down in negative things, especially because I know, most of the time, it could be much worse.  Also, when things are bad I really don't like to think about it so I'd rather not write it out and have to rehash my feelings.

I wasn't planning on telling you all about this, but honestly I can't think about much else and I'm hoping that if I put it out there I will feel a little better and can get back to thinking (and blogging) about that happy things in my life (like how I'm eating some delicious soup at panera right now...see? a little better already)

please note that this post will be a hot mess of word vomit as I have no intention of reading through it ever again, not even to edit it

so the reason I haven't been blogging is because for the last few weeks I've had one thing consuming my mind and I was just wait for some good news to share with you.  Well, on monday I got some news...just not good

this post should be me excitedly telling you all that I am 8 weeks pregnant.  I was 8 weeks pregnant. now I have an 8 week along fetus with no heartbeat inside of me.

(wow...this is a bit harder than I thought it would be)

also, this isn't the first time this has happened

now I know that these things happen, that 25% of documented pregnancies are abnormal and end in a miscarriage.  I know that we are young and still have lots of time. I know that we haven't even been trying that long. and I know everything happens for a reason

but I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like what I want most in the world is never going to happen. I feel cheated. I feel like it's not fair that so many people I know who don't want to (and usually should not) get pregnant do. and then I feel awful for resenting them because I truly am happy for them and hope they end up being wonderful mothers and fathers

to have something so precious and then to have it taken away...sometimes it's too much to bear.  Honestly all i want to do is sleep and go home. I really am all alone here and I've never really felt it until now. yes, I have brian, but he has responsibilities he can't just not go to class cause I need someone besides lulu to keep me company.  I didn't even get to see him all yesterday cause he had duty after class and i found out monday morning and didn't get to tell or see him till the evening...it was awful

and to top it all off they couldn't schedule me for a d&c till monday so we can't come home tuesday like we planned

well...I don't really feel better, but I do feel a little release and I know better and happy will come

*disclaimer* I'm obviously highly emotional and still very hormonal so I sincerely hope I didn't offend or upset anybody.  I can't help the way I feel even when I know what I feel is wrong. so if I did upset you, I truly am sorry, that wasn't my intent

ten years...

so I'm not gonna write some big long post because I'm sure there are lots of great ones out there

I will say that you shouldn't listen to this song unless you want to bawl your eyes out

...it is good though

also, I can't believe it's been 10 years since I was a freshman in high school...wow

im baaaaackkk!!! (aka the most random post ever!)

well i still don't have internet (and it's not looking like i'll get any until october...stupid 1 year contracts) and i'm still feeling a little blah about blogging, in fact i'm feeling a little blah about online-social-anything-in-general lol 

seriously though, brooke tweeted that she missed me and michelle commented on my facebook yesterday asking if i was alive cause i hadn't been on either much in a few days

i'm not sure what my deal is cause i've been in a fantastic mood and have been having so much fun i just haven't felt like documenting it i guess which is highly unusual for me haha!

but anyway to get out of this funk i'm just going to (drink lots of starbucks and) push myself to blog through it!

speaking of starbucks the lady didn't hear me say "vanilla" when i said "iced grande vanilla soy latte" and after drinking half of it before realizing why it wasn't sweet at all and went back up and was just gonna ask for a bit of vanilla syrup and instead she made me a venti on the house...win!

in other news the style posts are back cause we finally started going to chapel service on sundays

it only took us so long to start going cause i was waiting on hubs to figure out when/where to go and finally on saturday i just googled "fort sam houston chapel services" and bam! a whole list of services popped up

lesson learned: don't ask hubs to find things out...i'm still waiting on him to find out if i can go to the new gym and where it is/ what times it's open :/

anywhooo...this is what i wore to church on sunday:

i'm totally in love with this outfit and this skirt and belt are my two favorite new thrifting finds!

next week i'll show you how i made this belt out of two different thrifted belts :)

i know i know...you're on the edge of your seat in anticipation! 

and to end the most random post of all time i recommend netflix-ing/redbox-ing these movies:

country strong

no strings attached

beastly

red riding hood

the lincoln lawyer

rango

why? you ask...cause thats exactly what i did these past few weeks...and it was awesome

anyway i'm gonna leave you with that before this post gets even more ridiculous 

oh wait! r.i.p. peanut :(

ok...this post really cant get any stranger, if you're still reading this you must really love me/ are really bored...but i'm going to assume the former, it makes me feel better about life ha!

blah...

so i've been kind of blah about blogging lately

not sure what it is.  maybe the lack of internet or that i haven't been able to read all of your blogs and get inspired, or maybe i've just been busy...

funny thing is i actually have stuff i want to write about, just when it comes to it i never feel like actually writing it

hoping to kick this funk soon, until then...

♥

i'm drowning

in cardboard boxes

and bubble wrap

and clutter

anyone wanna come help me?

kthanksbye

on this memorial day

so i have to say that today is the first year i've ever really thought about what this day really means

as a kid it was a warm day off of school that consisted of bbqs and possibly swimming

i knew it had something to do with the military but most of the time i would confuse memorial day and veterans day and could never remember which was which

as i got older i just never really thought about it. i didn't know many people who had been in the military and the ones close to me who had were out of the service long before i was even born

this year it hit much closer to home

because i never want to have to spend a memorial day remembering 

my husband's best friend,

one of my best friend's boyfriend,

my sorority sister's husband,

a girl i work with's father

a girl i used to work with,

the husband's of many wonderful friends i've met through blogging, twitter, and facebook,

the friends my husband has made at boot camp,

and the many more people we will undoubtedly meet and grow close to in the coming years,

and mostly, my husband

just thinking about it makes me cry

i pray that this day will never hit closer to home then is does now, but at the same time i know that there are many people out there experiencing all of those above loses, so i pray for them too

and hope that one day no one else will have to suffer with the loss of their loved one on this day or any other

i've seen the signs a million times but i've never so perfectly understood that the freedoms we have, cherish, and often take for granted truly are not free

thank you to all those who have served and continue to serve our country, and happy memorial day!

it does seem a little strange now to say happy memorial day, but i suppose you should be happy. this day shows us that time is valuable and possibly short so we should make the most of it

and i plan on doing that by writing a long letter to my husband, snuggling with my dog far to much and spending time with family and friends...at a bbq :)

who knew?

who knew packing up your entire home would be so much work!

and so time consuming!

i mean, i have almost three weeks and i don't see how i'll ever get it done

i swear i'll be back soon!

a letter

sorry for the lack of posts

but ever since we got back from our trip either myself or my husband has been sick

this is what our days look like:

i do have a ton to post about so that will be coming shortly

doing dishes by candlelight...

...makes it almost enjoyable

well see how clean they are in the morning...

where ive been...

so its been a few days since i posted...and even longer since i visited your lovely blogs

(i had posts already scheduled)

anyway my mommy was in the hospital for a few days

dont worry, shes fine, apparently she had diabetes and didnt know it so her sugar got so high she went into diabetic shock, but shes home and all better now (albeit with a much more complicated life)

since my daddy spent most of his time at the hospital with my ma, i was in charge of taking care of my sister, her dog, the cats...basically i was living my moms life, in addition to my own life, as well as taking time to visit her at the hospital and getting food for my dad

luckily hubby was super helpful cause i was busy

i did a lot of stuff and saw a lot of people this past week but i this was the only picture i took:

i found this bow at my parents house. bentley came home from the groomer one time with it on his collar

everyone thought it suited lulu perfectly

where ive been

well you see this happened...

and since then ive been taking it easy

...and dont worry were fine just bumps and bruises

and i have lots of updates to come :)