Friday, January 4, 2013

Stupid blinking cursor...





...I've been staring at it for far too long

It's just been so long, I haven't really blogged in a year and I just don't know where to start.

I'm just so...overwhelmed? not sure...

This year has been... Interesting. I feel like not much happened and a lot happened at the same time.  I guess it's been a good year but it's also been a hard year, a sad year. I suppose I'll talk about this whole "trying to be a mommy" thing since that's pretty much what's on my mind at all times.  Since this post I have had every test and procedure that would determine if something is causing me to have all these miscarriages, found out nothing is wrong with me, which would normally be a good thing, but in this case it's like ...? , spent the next four cycles (which for me is more like 8 months) devastated with every stuipd little negative sign and period that came my way, readjusted my outlook and made a decision to not stress about it, got pregnant, and had my second miscarriage of the year (fourth total) just before Christmas (which was lame to say the least).

I just feel so broken, in more ways than one. Why is it that my body can have "nothing" wrong with it but can't seem to do the one thing it's meant to do? The thing that other people can do so easily? That they can do without trying (or sometimes even when they're trying not to)? I see so many friends pursuing their passions and accomplishing their goals and as pathetic as many people are going to think this is, being a mother is honestly the only thing I've ever truly wanted to do with my life.  I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and it's so disheartening that there is really nothing I can do (other than the obvious) to achieve my goals and the life I know I'm meant to have.  I can't prioritize more or work harder like if my passions were starting my own business , traveling, or advancing in my field.  

I can hope. and pray. and wait.

The only thing remotely proactive I can do is try to keep my body in the best baby-incubating state as possible, but that obviously isn't enough to see this dream of mine come to fruition, and oh do dream of it! My head is constantly filled with dreams of the life I hope to have, dreams of the life I'm afraid I'll end up having, dreams of what might be, could be, and may never be.  And theres no rest at night either.  On more than one occasion I've awoken my poor, unfailingly supportive (and very sleepy) husband with my inconsolable tears (but man does he try!).

The only thing making me possibly see any light at the end of this tunnel right now is that my new OB recommended that I start taking progesterone once I find out I'm pregnant next because sometimes a lack of it can be the problem.  So at least there is something I can try this time around.

so fingers crossed, prayers, good vibes...

any and all of that would be most appreciated :)

8 comments:

Courtney said...

Oh sweet amanda, happy to see you back but i'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I have a friend very much in the same position as you. I think of her often and will now keep you in my thoughts too!

Grammie said...

:'-( My heart breaks for you baby.

Rorie said...

Glad you are back to, but I am so so sooo sorry!! Lots of prayers & good wishes sent to you!

Mrs.B said...

I had 3 miscarriages after having my daughter. I'm now currently pregnant again. At 6 weeks I started Progesterone and I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow. I wish you nothing but the best and pray that when you do get pregnant again progesterone works. I know how hard it is.

Jenn said...

I'm sending my good vibes you to sweet lady!

Nicole Ternes said...

sending so many prayers beautiful girl.

Kelly said...

Hey girl, I nominated you for the Liebster Award!! Check it out here:
http://sweettea-lemonade.blogspot.com/2013/01/liebster-award.html

-kelly
sweettea-lemonade.blogspot.com

Becca Lutes said...

I love you biggie! Keep the faith <3 Glad to see you blogging again :)